Of Love & Order part 3: Right/Wrong Reasons To Be In A Relationship


Courtesy of brides.com

What’s Your Motive?

There are all sorts of reasons why people get into relationships. To some degree the rush for marriage is as epidemic as the rate of divorce. One can say that people would love to be married just as badly and quickly as others want to end the marriage! It then just becomes a cycle. The sad reality is that the world has diminished the true value and purpose of love so much so that the covenant and bond that ties two heterosexual people together is flippantly regarded and acknowledged. Being married turns into a high school and college relationship where you are essentially “testing the waters,” you’re not sure if you really want to be with the person or if you are right for each other. Imagine? By marriage, you are still uncertain of your compatibility and your purpose for being together? It’s like, “Are you serious?” The main factor that contributes to this experience is what I mentioned in part 1, the theme of which is “What Happened To Love?”

There is way too much worldly influence on the subject. One would be led to believe that love is a perverted thing; seeks its own interests above everyone else’s; is nothing but a pleasure-seeking emotion, that there is nothing more to it than just physical satisfaction! It gets even worse when people embrace this so much so that it becomes a part of them, one that repels any and every indication and example of true genuine love as it was always meant to be expressed.

Why Do You Want to Be With Me?

That question must be visited after much thought has been given to it. The most interesting thing is that it is very often the most difficult question to answer! I imagine that a lot women would find their men tongue tied as soon as this question comes up. Though it is not to say women are exempt from it, it is only that from my experience (through studying friends’ relationships) and research women are usually more certain of their purpose for being in a relationship than men are. There is often a more intimate and deeper long-lasting  future in mind from the women’s point of view but for the men, that process can take time. This is primarily because men and women are wired differently. Women desire closeness and men enjoy independence, this therefore means that the growth to closeness takes much longer for men to get to. This is why patience is of utmost importance on the part of the women, as the helper, supporter and encourager, they are to express their intentions while communicating the value of the growth process and how important it is for him to get to the stage of intimacy you would love to reach, and letting patience play her part, celebrating small victories along the way. Men are to vocalise any challenges they may have in a tactful and non-critical and condescending manner, and most of all listen wholeheartedly when spoken to. The process is simply: talk and listen, listen and talk, honourably and respectfully.


Cody was onto something there! There is more truth in that than most would realize. It is to be taken very seriously. It may not be a bad idea to even assess whether or not you are on the right track right now, even if you’ve been together a very long time. We will be looking at what I believe are the wrong reasons for getting into a relationship. Think long and hard about these, see where you may need improvement. Part “B” of this segment of this series will be coming soon. Some of the points have been mentioned in the statements above, but here they are, short and simple:

Wrong Reasons

-You’re not sure why you’re in a relationship

-The love is conditional, the “IF” love

-You see your partner as a self-gratifying object, not just sexually

-Being in a relationship for the fun of it

-Boosting social status (not social media alone)

-Giving partially and not wholeheartedly

-Constantly lying and being defensive about it (indifference)

-Being critical, condemning, complaining and judgemental

-Having unrealistic expectations

-Desiring more of the shopping list and failing to appreciate what you have

-Seeking validation in your partner (a huge one)

-Simply not wanting to be alone

-Peer pressure (especially through Facebook)

-Social conformity (everyone is in one, you must be too)

-Rushing for marriage

-Being inconsiderate of your partner’s feelings

Right Reasons

With all this you may be wondering, “Is it really possible for me to be in a relationship?” Short answer: Yes! Here is why:

-You put God first in your individual lives then in your relationship

-You have high biblical standards for your relationship

-You set boundaries and discipline yourselves to follow them

-You care for your partner more than yourself

-You seek mutually beneficial interests

-You are open-minded, consider perspective and are willing to compromise

-Your love is unconditional

-You know EXACTLY why you are in the relationship

-You have a community you are a part of together OR

-You have a couples mentor

-You take your future seriously (individually and as a couple)

-You discuss how to overcome challenges

-You are trusting in general & understanding when it hurts

-You laugh at the most ridiculous things

-You share responsibility (e.g you take turns with the bill/check when you eat out)


3 Key Things About Destiny


A few weeks ago a friend of mine mentioned something extremely important. At the time it was something he said in passing as part of normal conversation. I don’t really think he has an idea how profound what he said is. Some time ago I had also written about ways to discover your future for those moments you are uncertain about it, or know it and believed in it up to a certain point and started getting doubtful, or simply didn’t know what it is at all. If you haven’t read it, it may be a good idea to start with that and continue to here. Not because this a sequel to it or anything but it is more so, for the purpose of getting a good wholesome perspective on one’s future and destiny.

That in essence is what this post will be covering. I have looked into more of what my friend said and came up with these easy-to-understand principles that I believe everyone should either know or at least have a good idea about.

The 3 Keys
1) Your destiny is designed by God. 
He says here:

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.

The truth of the matter is God is our Creator and Designer. Every aspect of not only our being but also our life was created by Him, therefore, the only One wo would know about all that has to do with us is Him. Now you may say, “Yeah but I have some friends who are skilled in sports and continued that into their career,” or “I know some people who are millionaires or at least live a substantially comfortable life with what they have and a re not even Christians,” great points. Well here is the real factor behind all their success:

Deuteronomy 8:18
But you shall [earnestly] remember the Lord your God, for it is He Who gives you power to get wealth, that He may establish His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day.

In essence what happens is their success hinges on their application of biblical principles. A few ones like:

Ecclesiastes 11:1-2
Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days.
Give a portion to seven, yes, even [divide it] to eight, for you know not what evil may come upon the earth.

Proverbs 16:8
Better is a little with righteousness than great income with injustice.

Which focuses on diversifying or having two or more vehicles of investing such as real estate and stocks for the purpose of having multiple streams of income. The second passage is about the value of time and how that can play a very important factor in generating a lot of income when you save and invest (notice it does not make a distinction between the two because the principle is the same). The more patient you are the greater the returns. It is like a time-to percentage growth ratio. The amount you earn is directly proportionate to the time you are willing to wait for it grow. Integrity is an important side of this too. The interesting thing is an aspect of faith like a mustard seed plays a part in this too. In a future post I will go deeper into this.

Psalm 112:5
It is well with the man who deals generously and lends, who conducts his affairs with justice.

Genesis 2:15 
The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.

That is a word for business owners, whether small or big businesses. The principle is the same. Do not exploit your employees or deal dishonestly (such as stealing from the business, although that’s something more an employee would do) with the money but divide it to strengthen every facet of the business.

James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Referring mostly to those who excel in sports, arts and crafts  and other domains containing and requiring exceptional skill to do as a profession. For those who are not Christians that wonderful gift they have is something given to them by our loving Father. They simply have not come to that realization yet.

2) Your destiny is linked to God
Meaning that the pleasure and joy you get out of fulfilling the place you believe you were born to be, is something that is connected to the goodness of God. I like to think that some times unbelievers who are in the position where they excel in their domain may have a void on the inside concerning the source of their knowledge, the privilege of their experience and accomplishments.They may not have it all the time but it may come from time to time. The one evidence of this could be when they see people less fortunate than themselves being happier with little the have than they (the more wealthy) are with the plenty they have. Just something to think about.

3) Your destiny is designed to please God
At the end of the end of the day that is all it comes down to. In essence, is it not the reason for our existence? The meaning of life? Thinking about the creation around us, the gifts we possess, the families we create, the friends we have, those times when someone comes just at the (precise) moment you needed them. The thing that makes it even more worthwhile is when it is stranger. Even better when a stranger tells you their story and you glean something from it that you know can change your life completely or at least in some small way. When the person you hate the most does something that is of significant value to you when you least expect it, especially when you believed they were the person least likely to do it.

Small things like these are just a taste of all the reasons why we should acknowledge, thank and praise God! These things can happen in the area of our domain. Whether that’s work, ministry, jobs as big as founder and CEO of international business or as small as babysitting, nothing is too big or too small for Him to be pleased with. For Him it is all about faith and the heart. Think about this quote by Hans Urs von Balthasar:

What you are is God’s gift to you, what you become is your gift to God

1 Corinthians 10:31

So then, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you may do, do all for the honor and glory of God.

Related Posts:
Comfort Zones- The Disabler Of Destiny by Sherline
Destiny Is Determined By Choice by Have A Dream
3 Lessons From King David About Destiny by Kingspeech
Do You Deserve Your Tomorrow? by Ain’t I JI


9 ways to understand your future

Making Things Clear

This is not a post about anything spiritual such as any form of divination or numerology, horoscopes, palm reading, fortune telling, crystal ball reading or any such thing. It is more for those who neither know what their future holds (in terms of what they want to do or their vision for it), are confused about it or often have seasons where their desires seem to change. I have been there numerous times. I remember finishing high school with completely no idea what I wanted to do. That was quite a serious problem because my dad was the kind of person who needed you to be clear and focused about your future to the point where you had to have a decent plan as to how you would carry it out. Basically the only effort he wanted was to pay for it.

That caused several problems for me, the biggest one being fear. Motivated by that feeling I would then list plenty of occupations like doctor, journalist, pilot and so on. This would go on for a straight 6 months until I finally decided that Bible school was best since he though well of me in that area. After finishing that, I was a basic recording artist and continued for some years before being involved in the video production and film industry where I did music videos first amongst many others.

The Transition
It was all a process though. I had to think about what I wanted and how to make the most of what I had where I was. That leads me to the first point:

1) Sit in very quiet spot and take time to think about what you love to do.
This process requires patience. It does take time. Whether it takes you a few days, weeks or months, it will be more than worth it! Everything else you do, that is the goals you set-short, medium and long term-will be nothing more than steps that will take you closer to your dream.

2) Use your talent.
If you don’t know or are not sure what it is read the post 10 ways on how to discover your talents part 1. At the end of that post you can get a chance to find out more ways  to discover your talents in case part 1 is not enough. You can always make a little money on the side with it or kick off a small business or anything like that with your talent. Whether that’s art to sell and display in museums; different fruits and vegetables to grow and sell (a thing like that can be learned even if economics is not your style or speciality); food to make and sell, demos and mix tapes to record and sell, it all starts small.

3) The peace of God.
This is the one of the simplest and yet most significant way (I believe) that God leads us. How do you feel when you think about banking and finance management? Are you at peace or not? When you talk to your friends and family about doing law, music, filmmaking, practicing medicine, science, the arts, teaching, ministry, being a missionary, store clerk, pilot or anything else, are you at peace? Ask yourself that question.

Romans 16:19-20

For while your loyalty and obedience is known to all, so that I rejoice over you, I would have you well versed and wise as to what is good and innocent and guileless (innocent) as to what is evil.

And the God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah) be with you

Philippians 4:7

And God’s peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison (defend) and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Hebrews 13:20-21

 Now may the God of peace [Who is the Author and the Giver of peace], Who brought again from among the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, by the blood [that sealed, ratified] the everlasting agreement (covenant, testament),

 Strengthen (complete, perfect) and make you what you ought to be and equip you with everything good that you may carry out His will; [while He Himself] works in you and accomplishes that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ (the Messiah); to Whom be the glory forever and ever (to the ages of the ages). Amen (so be it).

4) The process of elimination. How good you are at determining your final answer for your vision, goal, passion and desire depends on you (in that it depends on how much of an idea you have for what you want to do). That will determine how long it takes you to list as many of the thing you don’t want to do as possible.

5) Link different activities.
For example I got into doing music through being a recording artist which then opened the door for me to do video production, of which music videos is what I wanted to do but expanded my skills and thought-process to focusing on more than just that. Plus I get to do sound a lot as well, which is fun. You might like reading so writing could be an option even if you’re not good at it. If you enjoy being with people then psychology and psychiatry might be decent choices, or be a consultant  coach, counselor and so on. Drawing and designing go together too. Sketching scenery, landscapes with detailed characters and items in the picture will get you on board for being a storyboard artist or illustrator for a movie, music video, documentary and pretty much any kind of video production. If you are good at technical graphics then architecture or graphic designing could be your thing. Sketch artist for police art or forensic artist for the medical police department is another alternative.

6) Ask around. 
What kind of job do you see me doing? What kind of occupation does someone like me have the knack for doing? Obviously you have to ask people you trust more often than your average joe, although they are worth considering every now and then. It’s called keeping your options open. Read the post 12 Key Factors About Desire

7) Explore
Try doing a lot of stuff that you find fascinating. If you enjoy mountain climbing and the outdoors then signing up for conservationism and safari tour guide may be worth your while. It’s all about surprising yourself. You really don’t have the luxury of being picky!

8) Work your way back
Imagine yourself being someone along the lines of stuff you are good at. If you are good at sport, then imagine yourself playing on a professional level and what your life is like. Everything you’re doing. The training. The people you’re meeting. The schedule you have to go through. The success and possible failure and consequence you face. See what kind of spark that lights up in you. If it is even remotely big, go  for it!
NB: That was just an example. Use it in the same way with business, media, commerce, church, science and so on. Whatever department you are currently in or are thinking of doing, do this.

9) Research
Read books and ask questions. Find out how other people got to discover their purpose or passion and ask them to help you on your journey. Read my other post called The plan of action for your dream: writing it down.

What does it mean to find yourself?

Courtesy of personal development.me

Moment of Reflection

To be truthfully honest I have never really understood that term. For a long time I have pretended to know what it means but giving it a second thought made me realize that I had no understanding after all. This began to raise some questions in me:

1) What does it mean to find yourself?
2) Finding yourself implies losing yourself, so how would that have happened?
3) Is it not possible that you were cool, calm and collected (for a given period in time) at some point in your life?

The other thing that puzzles me is how this has become such a big deal. Not that I am belittling it, the main concern is why a lot of people (if not most) are so caught up in  “a search for who they are” only to come up empty-handed time and again.

Thinking about the phrase, “find yourself” there seems to be a core similarity, or at least connection with that and “discovering your purpose.” Are the two not one and the same? From what I can tell they seem to be quite vast in their difference. Your purpose has to do with:

a) Your reason for existing
b) Separating you from existing to living
c) Answering the “fulfilment” (why) question
d) What your dream is

Finding yourself has to do with
a) Answering the “inner conflict” (who) question
b) Establishing an identity
c) What makes one different and unique
d) Making a name for oneself

Solving the matter
As I said before finding yourself implies losing yourself. The question, therefore, is when, where and how would you have lost yourself? The only thing that comes to mind is belief.

What do you believe?
Some suggestions I have for finding yourself are:
i) Write down all your core beliefs
ii) Ask yourself why you believe those things
ii) Ask yourself how you came to believe those things
iv) Write down as many possibilities as you can e.g. friends, teachers, coworkers, parents, siblings, TV shows & movies (be specific), strangers, acquaintances, extended family members (be specific).

I have learned that you portray who you are by what you do so that means the key ingredient to helping one come back together may be found in their gifts and talents. In addition to that the crucial and vital need to stay in focus.

Don’t lose focus
That’s something I very often told my little brothers and my friends whenever they competed against me either in video games or social activities and had a hard time defeating me. This instruction holds true for the one who is soul-searching. I believe the reason for a loss for a deeper meaning (which is what I consider the definition to be) is found in a lack of focus. There is no focus on the dream. No focus on the goal. If there is some focus, there clearly isn’t enough.

Steering clear from all kinds of distractions (which may be the temptation to alter one’s belief; spending too much time with the wrong people; being lectured far too many times and given numerous philosophies in the process, leading to confusion; placing their identity in a person, people or thing, an unnecessary vulnerability because of the pain that accompanies the loss), staying focused becomes easier.

I have come to realize now that with all the above taken into consideration, there is not that much of a difference between purpose and identity. If you know what you were born for that makes it easy to understand more of who you are. On the other hand if you know who you are (beyond heritage and more into self-worth and confidence) but are not sure what your reason for existing is (until you do you won’t be living), you are still open to exploring various possibilities and with, at the very least, a positive attitude, you are able to come close to finding the answer.

What suggestions do you have for finding yourself?
What do you think about the link between purpose and identity?

Pinpoint Your Life-Purpose

Great habits are the result of great purpose. Your sense of purpose will always motivate you to develop the habits that will bring you success and prosperity.

1 Peter 2:9

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a dedicated nation, [God’s] own purchased, special people, that you may set forth the wonderful deeds and display the virtues and perfections of Him Who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light

Finding your purpose

I look at what I’m good at
The gift that is in my hands
I may not know what I’m made for
But I know the gift is at the core
Of all my values and beliefs
What the world ultimately sees
It’s the key to the door of my  destiny
Where there’s fulfillment and longevity
Of a life lived with meaning
In persistence and believing
That more important than anything
Changing a life means everything
No matter how long it takes
Someone is waiting for that day
Where the resolve to make a difference
Is reason enough for living