Of Love & Order part 3: Right/Wrong Reasons To Be In A Relationship

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Courtesy of brides.com

What’s Your Motive?

There are all sorts of reasons why people get into relationships. To some degree the rush for marriage is as epidemic as the rate of divorce. One can say that people would love to be married just as badly and quickly as others want to end the marriage! It then just becomes a cycle. The sad reality is that the world has diminished the true value and purpose of love so much so that the covenant and bond that ties two heterosexual people together is flippantly regarded and acknowledged. Being married turns into a high school and college relationship where you are essentially “testing the waters,” you’re not sure if you really want to be with the person or if you are right for each other. Imagine? By marriage, you are still uncertain of your compatibility and your purpose for being together? It’s like, “Are you serious?” The main factor that contributes to this experience is what I mentioned in part 1, the theme of which is “What Happened To Love?”

There is way too much worldly influence on the subject. One would be led to believe that love is a perverted thing; seeks its own interests above everyone else’s; is nothing but a pleasure-seeking emotion, that there is nothing more to it than just physical satisfaction! It gets even worse when people embrace this so much so that it becomes a part of them, one that repels any and every indication and example of true genuine love as it was always meant to be expressed.

Why Do You Want to Be With Me?

That question must be visited after much thought has been given to it. The most interesting thing is that it is very often the most difficult question to answer! I imagine that a lot women would find their men tongue tied as soon as this question comes up. Though it is not to say women are exempt from it, it is only that from my experience (through studying friends’ relationships) and research women are usually more certain of their purpose for being in a relationship than men are. There is often a more intimate and deeper long-lasting  future in mind from the women’s point of view but for the men, that process can take time. This is primarily because men and women are wired differently. Women desire closeness and men enjoy independence, this therefore means that the growth to closeness takes much longer for men to get to. This is why patience is of utmost importance on the part of the women, as the helper, supporter and encourager, they are to express their intentions while communicating the value of the growth process and how important it is for him to get to the stage of intimacy you would love to reach, and letting patience play her part, celebrating small victories along the way. Men are to vocalise any challenges they may have in a tactful and non-critical and condescending manner, and most of all listen wholeheartedly when spoken to. The process is simply: talk and listen, listen and talk, honourably and respectfully.

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Cody was onto something there! There is more truth in that than most would realize. It is to be taken very seriously. It may not be a bad idea to even assess whether or not you are on the right track right now, even if you’ve been together a very long time. We will be looking at what I believe are the wrong reasons for getting into a relationship. Think long and hard about these, see where you may need improvement. Part “B” of this segment of this series will be coming soon. Some of the points have been mentioned in the statements above, but here they are, short and simple:

Wrong Reasons

-You’re not sure why you’re in a relationship

-The love is conditional, the “IF” love

-You see your partner as a self-gratifying object, not just sexually

-Being in a relationship for the fun of it

-Boosting social status (not social media alone)

-Giving partially and not wholeheartedly

-Constantly lying and being defensive about it (indifference)

-Being critical, condemning, complaining and judgemental

-Having unrealistic expectations

-Desiring more of the shopping list and failing to appreciate what you have

-Seeking validation in your partner (a huge one)

-Simply not wanting to be alone

-Peer pressure (especially through Facebook)

-Social conformity (everyone is in one, you must be too)

-Rushing for marriage

-Being inconsiderate of your partner’s feelings

Right Reasons

With all this you may be wondering, “Is it really possible for me to be in a relationship?” Short answer: Yes! Here is why:

-You put God first in your individual lives then in your relationship

-You have high biblical standards for your relationship

-You set boundaries and discipline yourselves to follow them

-You care for your partner more than yourself

-You seek mutually beneficial interests

-You are open-minded, consider perspective and are willing to compromise

-Your love is unconditional

-You know EXACTLY why you are in the relationship

-You have a community you are a part of together OR

-You have a couples mentor

-You take your future seriously (individually and as a couple)

-You discuss how to overcome challenges

-You are trusting in general & understanding when it hurts

-You laugh at the most ridiculous things

-You share responsibility (e.g you take turns with the bill/check when you eat out)

The Kind Of Impact That Comes From Indirect Compliments

Iron sharpens Iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend [to show rage or worthy purpose]. Proverbs 27:17

A gentle tongue [with its healing power] is a tree of life, but wilful contrariness in it breaks down the spirit. Proverbs 15:4

Why not just be straight?
That’s a really good question. A lot of people have had some experiences that I have numbered down to a few suggestions:

a) It is very possible that the recipient may feel like their being hit on. This is obviously the case with a man complimenting a woman or boy complimenting a girl. Now I use the term, “being hit on,” very loosely because there sometimes can be no avoiding the special treatment when it comes to ulterior motives, meaning you are suddenly King Of The Hill or Queen B when your ears get tickled with affirmative terms. In such cases it will not matter which gender is complimenting which.

a-ii) The giver’s body language compromising them so that no matter how innocent the intent is or may appear to be, they dig themselves a hole the second they utter the first word. Their tone of voice, facial expression, and hand gestures are the main culprits responsible for their disaster.

b) The recipient’s insecurity resulting from emotional and psychological manipulation in and from the past. This is very much related to the conclusive point I made in my first proposition. When the recipient is made to feel really good about whatever has been spoken about them, they feel obliged to repay the favor with an action. This is a process that could easily take a long time to fulfil because of its sensitive nature, meaning how easy it is to sniff out deceit. The more the recipient lowers their guard, the greater the chances are of exploiting them. The worst is when they feel compelled to return the favor, kind of like an equivalent exchange deal: you do for me what I do for you.

I know part (b) may be a bit extreme but it was the only example I could think of as far as understanding why some people find it hard to receive compliments, or become self-conscious. I wanted to paint a picture that made enough sense to at least have an idea as to what the emotional and psychological background, and ultimately, the reason (for negative reception) could be. Now I am no psychologist but I like to imagine the possibilities for certain things happening and why, in this case, it is more effective to give indirect compliments.

My Experience
I grew up having been dissed every day close to my whole school life. As a result of that whenever people did say nice things about me, it was quite hard to receive. For me it was because I was less comfortable with direct kindness, I contribute that to the direct harshness I received. I was too soft spoken to diss back. I could not think quick enough to come up with a better come back than what was dished at me.
Thinking over the years about why I did not like it when someone complimented me, I linked it back to my love language. I knew it was not words, and that is what I concluded for a very, very long time in my life. Then what happened to me happened to others from my angle. I hated the fact that sometimes my compliments were not always received regardless of the fact that I had no ulterior motives. Shallow expressions of gratitude, especially those brought from passive smiles gave me the heads up. I experimented with certain words and realized the impact each one had on an individual. Being  a guy, it mattered a lot how I complimented girls. Needless to say my experiments proved successful particularly when I considered, location (public or private), my relationship with the individual, the type of compliment, personality (if stranger or acquaintance), environment (lively or laid back), and the timing of my compliment.

What is it like now?
I am not a robot if that is what you are thinking. Of course I love it every time someone says something nice about what I do. Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation go well together, so for me the best compliment you can give has to be about something I have achieved successfully, whether small or great. It obviously cannot be sarcastic because I will see through that. That is the best direct compliment to give me otherwise let me overhear you or hear from others that you have been saying nice things about me., or just keep quiet and not mention a word if you do not have anything nice to say.

Worth Testing It Out
What have you got to lose? After all, your efforts have been in vain, right? Might as well get what you have never had (a positive reaction) by doing what you have never done (give an indirect compliment). See what happens. Another neat thing to do is be partially cryptic about other people’s thoughts towards the person: I heard you’re skilled with social media or my favourite They say you’re skilled with social media. Of course that will stir curiosity to which you can eventually lead them back to you. Some direct compliments that work too are the self-degrading kinds. I hate those because of two reasons 1) I have a high self-esteem and 2) I am an optimist. I would very seldom say:

i) I wish I was as amazing at (the activity) as you are
ii) If I was half as proficient at this as you are

I would much rather say: I love how great you are at editing. It reminds me of how awesome I am with sound. 

I have begun growing in receiving positive feedback. I now respond by saying, “Confirm? Glad you noticed.”Essentially giving positive feedback about someone is much more helpful than telling the person directly. Your words will sink deep into their heart and resonate with their soul. It may change the perspective they had of themselves and help them see the other side of the coin. A side they never would otherwise have seen or known of, had it not been for you to turn them to it.
Just talk about them positively to everyone and the news will eventually reach their ears. Convince people to think the same way so that you can avert suspicion of ulterior motives.

Your Place in the Virtual Revolution

A different outlook to blogging in general. Something to think about concerning how it cannot and should not be taken for granted, especially when it comes to reaching a mass audience.

A Holistic Journey

This post is for parents, bloggers, Facebookers, anyone who’s stuck a foot out on Cyberland. In our talk about belonging, we seemed to think in terms of the social Haves and Have-nots. Many of you spoke of the self-consciousness of often feeling on the fringe. Some shared you were too fat or too this or too that to fit in, others that you never even figured out why you always seemed to find yourself on the outside. I wanted to bring to attention something that’s as right in your face as the computer or phone screen in front of you. The Internet has given every one of us the power to lead. It has made us all insiders.

It’s a new day, a global Do-It-Yourself culture everyone with online access is privy to. YouTube alone is an open platform where anyone can catapult himself into stardom and not hurt himself…

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A Plethora of Passwords

Very interesting and new perspective on passwords. Not just your typical advice for stronger and better passwords but links and info on more effective online security.

The Daily Post

There are a number of irritating things experts insist you must do for your own good: eat nine servings of veggies a day; maintain a diverse retirement portfolio; check your transmission fluid every month. Most of us ignore a lot of this advice, because there’s no end to it, and our lives are complicated enough.

Photo by Kit Photo by Kit

As a habitual good advice ignorer myself, I realize that when I tell you I’m here today to talk about passwords, you’ll want to tune me out. But wait! Good password hygiene is more important than flipping your mattress.

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Spoken Word: Counterfeit Gods

Very thought-provoking!

Sherline's Watchu Thinkin' Blog

Hi Everybody!

I love Passion for Christ Ministries (P4CM) for what it offers to the NOW Generation. So much talent with speakers that relate to the young generation and speak truth in a language that they can truly understand and relate to. This video that I am posting is a spoken word by Jefferson Bethke that really addressed the issue of how  modern day Counterfeit Gods (aka Idolatry) affect our relationship with God in a truthful poetic way. I know it will minister to you today.

God Bless You Everybody!

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Going UPstream!

orville wings

Early in my ministry I stumbled onto the understanding that it is God who wounds and God who heals. This understanding was drawn from several Scriptures but especially  from Proverbs 27:6 which says: 

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”  Proverbs 27:6  

I know that nothing can touch the life of a Christian that God does not allow.  Even if it is a time of momentary discomfort.  None of us look forward to such trouble, and none of us care to keep it as a companion for long.  But even when God allows the devil to trouble us with a Thorn in the Flesh, it is for our good.  I do not quite understand why the Lord does this, but my confidence and my trust is in God who does understand.  I have learned to give…

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